Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
