Are we in a gay sports bar?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
