i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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