I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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