"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
