I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just forgot I was standing up.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
