I just threw up on my dentist
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
