I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
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5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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