No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
