i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
