garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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