you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
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It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
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I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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