How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
