I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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