I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
