This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
