i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
