that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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