Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
my shit smells like andre
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
