I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
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I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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