One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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