So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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