Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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