When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
