How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Michael Bay diarrhea
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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