ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Randomize
