saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
