I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
What drink are we having for lunch?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
