i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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