if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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