I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
