I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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