Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just googled if crying burns calories
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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