We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
