Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
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