After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
