he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
