Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
