I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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