mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
