Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
