Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
