Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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