i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
