New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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