Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
