If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
