and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
