Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
