Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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