I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
