Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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