so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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